So Bloody Perfect
by Lily Luna Longbottom
Summary: Lily Evans thinks that James Potter is perfect, but his friends know otherwise. They know he's about to break and they'll be there to pick up the pieces.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: So, this took me some time to write and I know it's not my best but don't be to harsh, okay? Remember to review, cause it makes me smile.:)_

**_Disclaimer: If you recognize it, sadly, I don't own it. (If I did, I'd be rich and my life would be so much awesomer.)_**

_James bloody Potter is so bloody perfect,_ thought Lily Evans as she stalked through the halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Lily had been fighting, once again, with her fellow Head, James Potter. This time it was about missing Prefect schedules. Lily was sure that Potter had them last, but when she asked Potter, he claimed she had them. She was so sure she hadn't lost them and that Potter must have just been pulling her leg. That thought only lasted about several minutes, until she sat on her favourite chair and heard a crinkle beneath her, only to find three pieces of parchment containing the Prefect schedules. Potter had been right, she had had them last.

So, here she was, stomping through the halls looking for bloody Potter, so she could apologize because Lily Evans was not rude and Lily Evans could admit when she was wrong. Even if that meant she had to apologize to that stupid, arrogant, toe-rag, James Potter.

Except, he wasn't stupid, he was brilliant. He hardly had to work to get amazing grades, either. He was bloody gorgeous, no one could deny that, and an amazing quidditch player too. He had amazing friends, a great sense of humour, every girl wanted him and to top it all off, he belonged to one of the longest lines of pureblood families in the wizarding world. The git was bloody rich too. James bloody Potter was so bloody perfect.

_I wish he would just jump off of a bloody bri-_

"Hey! Watch the bloody hell where you're going!" Lily screamed as she was knocked off her feet.

"Oh, sorry Evans, I wasn't paying attention. I'll just be on my way, Padfoots waiting-"

"No, wait Potter." She interrupted his murmurings. "I just wanted to a-apologize for yelling at you earlier. You were... "She took a deep breathe. "You were right, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." He mumbled, staring at the ground. Lily had noticed that Potter had been doing that a lot lately.

"Is that all you have to say? 'Yeah, Okay.' You are despicable Potter! And another thing, look me in the eye when I'm talking to you. I mean, it looks like you've got something wrong with your neck. I know, your heads gotten _so _big, it just can't hold it up anymore. You think you're so perfect, it makes me sick. I hate you!"

"You know what Evans?" He said, finally looking at me in the eye.

"What?"

"I think you're jealous."

"What? Jealous of you? You're kidding me, right? You're kidding me."

"I think that you can't stand that I have so much that you don't, when you work so much harder than me. Except, you don't. I work just as hard as anyone else around here. I have to." His voice was deadly calm and he was looking Lily straight in they eye. There was green and gold swirling in his hazel eyes, which she had never noticed before. They were so much more beautiful than she knew. She thought she saw pain swirling in his beautiful hazel eyes, but he backed away before she had a chance to be sure.

"Prongs! There you are. I've been waiting for you in the dungeons for like twenty minutes."

"Sorry, Padfoot, I've been dealing with some shit."

"Like what?"

"It doesn't matter, it was nothing." With that, Lily was left standing by herself in the middle of the corridor, wondering what just happened.

* * *

><p>Lily Evans and James Potter had not spoken in a month and strangely James seemed to be taking it perfectly fine. He was smiling, laughing and acting like Lily and he had never met. Only his friend knew that James was cracking, for every now and then he would laugh a little too loud at a joke or press down on his quill a little too hard and break the tip. Just the smallest things, unnoticed by any outsiders, would send that look of worry and panic between Remus, Sirius and Peter. For three weeks they sat around, just waiting for the pressure to mount and for James to break.<p>

So Remus knew exactly what to do when James nicked himself with his knife in Potions and began to panic about the small bead of blood forming on the tip of his finger.

"Professor, may I be excused to take James to the Hospital Wing?"

"He does look quite ill, doesn't he?" Professor Slughorn said looking at the pale and hyperventilating James. "Very well, then." Remus grabbed James' shoulder and pulled him out of the classroom. Remus drug James down the hallway and into a secret passageway, hidden behind a portrait of a small green elf-like creature. He pushed him against the wall of the passageway and James slid down it, falling to the floor.

James' eyes were wide with panic and looks of pain were flashing across his face. His skin was pale and a cold sweat was beading on his forehead, dripping down his face and mixing with the tears pouring down his cheeks. His breathing was ragged and uneven. James was holding his finger up in front of his face watching the single drop of blood run down it.

Remus pulled James' two way mirror out of his pocket and used it to call Sirius, who was in Care of Magical Creatures with Peter. He stood there and called Sirius' name several times before he answered.

"What? You do realize I'm in class, right... Moony? Why do you have Prongs' mirror?"

"It's James, and it's worse than we thought."

"What set him off?"

"Nicked his finger in Potions. We're in the east hallway, behind the portrait of the green elf."

"Okay, I'll be there in a minute, Moony."

True to his word, Sirius arrived only moments later.

"How'd you get here so fast?"

"You didn't really think I was in class, did you Moony?"

"Well, yeah, where else would you be?"

"It doesn't matter. Where's Prongs?"

"Right here." Remus stated, moving out of the way, so James came into view. He looked just as bad as before, maybe even worse.

"Prongs!" Sirius ran over and knelt down beside his brother, in all but blood. "Prongs, calm down. You've got to tell me what's wrong."

"I-I cut myself. There was- the-the blood." At this he bent over and started sobbing into his knees. "It-it just hu-hurts so-o bad." Sirius knew that the last part had nothing to do with the small cut on his mate's finger.

"I know, James, I know." He wrapped his arms around James in a brotherly hug. Remus sat down beside them and began to rub comforting circles on James' back.

"W-why does it hurt s-so b-bad?"

"Broken hearts always do, mate." Remus whispered.

"Why d-does she hate m-me?" James lifted his head up and looked at both Sirius and Remus.

"Because she's stupid." It was Peter who spoke, as he closed the portrait behind him. "The map." He said by way of explaining how he found them.

Ten minutes later, James sniffed, wiped his eyes and stood up. His eyes were rimmed with red, his nose was stuffed and his head was pounding, but strangely he felt so much better than before.

"I could use a smoke, then let's grab some supper."

"Sounds good, mate." Sirius said standing up and dusting himself up.

* * *

><p>Thirty minutes later the Marauders entered the Great Hall, laughing loudly and smelling slightly of cigarette smoke. Lily looked just as a small fourth year ran up to James and excitedly began rambling on about something to him. He smiled slightly, but shook his head. Lily watched the girls face fall.<p>

_James bloody Potter is so bloody perfect,_ though Lily Evans.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Disclaimer: I don't own it._**

_James bloody Potter thinks he is so bloody perfect, _thought Lily as she sunk further down into her chair. She crossed her arms and tried her best to ignore the celebration going on around her. Gryffindor had won the quidditch cup, again, and the Marauders had stuck to tradition by throwing a huge party. Obviously the main focus of the crowd was on two of the Marauders, themselves. Sirius Black, beater and James Potter, star chaser and Gryffindor Quidditch Captain.

Lily noticed that the party seemed bigger than last year. Probably just because it was the Marauder's seventh year and knowing them, they'd want to go out with a bang. She had no idea how anyone could even think about parties, pranks or anything else like that, with the war raging on around them. All she could think about was her studies and what she was going to do when she was finally released to the real world.

With this mindset, she stood up and began to push her way through the crowd to the portrait. If she wanted to get anything done tonight, she would have to do it somewhere else.

"Fuuuuuuuckk!" Was slurred as a large body fell against her sloshing two cups of firewhiskey laced punch down her front.

"Sirius Black! What do you think you are doing?"

"You are allllllll wet!" He giggled.

"Are you drunk?"

"Well, obviously you aren't."

"Well of course not!"

"Howww much have you have to drink?"

"None."

"Well then, we bloody well need to change that, don't we?"

"I am Head Girl, what kind of example would I be setting by dancing around spilling firewhiskey on everyone?"

"A fun one." He said slinging his arm over her shoulder and pulling her through the crowd.

"Sirius, I really don't think this is a good idea."

"Shut up and drink." He shoved a cup of something red in her hand and a bit splashed over the edge and onto her fingers. Lily hesitantly brought the cup to her lips and took a sip. The liquid was warm and sickly sweet but burned pleasantly as it went down. She held the cup close to her chest and slid through the crowd to the corner, where she sat and nursed her drink.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, somewhere on the other side of the room, James Potter was dancing drunkenly with a busty sixth year, whose name he couldn't remember but was sure he'd slept with once in fifth year. James' jumped up and down and began grinding against the girl, who probably wouldn't remember this in the morning anyway.<p>

Then something red caught James' eye from across the room. His Lily. Filled with liquid courage and forgetting the encounter from two months ago he began to make his way through the crowd towards her, leaving Meagan, or Marissa, or maybe it was Mandy dancing wildly by herself in the middle of the crowd.

Remus, who was still slightly sober, noticed James path and began to drunkenly stumble across the room.

"Liiiiiilllllyyyy!" James called out, only several feet away from where she sat, sipping her third drink.

"Prongs, you have to stop."

"What Moony? I don't understand. Stop what?"

"Stop...uhhh... I can't remember." Slurred a drunken Remus.

"Okey-dokey! Well, if you remember, I'll be over there, with my Lily- Flower."

"Alright." Remus replied as he sat down in the middle of the floor to think.

"Lily, my dearest, I have come to see you."

"Oh boy. Potter what are you doing here?" Lily replied, slightly tipsy but still, mostly, in her right mind.

"I have come to ask you to join me in the fair village of Hogsmeade next weekend for a butterbeer down at the Three Broomsticks." James dropped into a deep bow.

"Potter, you are an idiot. You think just because you won the quidditch cup and your friends got me a little drunk that I'll say yes? Well guess what Potter, nothing you do will make me go out with you. I don't date insufferable gits."

"Fine then. Just as well, it happens that I'm not too partial to dating bitchy know-it-alls, anyway." James replied, sobering up after the hurtful rejection.

"If you think that I'm a bitchy know-it-all then why did you ask me out in the first place?"

"It was a joke, Evans."

"Sure it was, Potter. That's why you ask me every other day!" People were beginning to back away from the feuding pair, while a daring few edged closer to them.

"I can't believe you!"

"What? I'm just telling the truth, you lousy toe-rag!"

"Go kiss the giant squid!"

"Rather him than you!"

"How do you even know it's a him?"

"That's beside the point!"

"Hag!"

"Loser!"

"Bitch!"

"Git!"

"Get lost, Evans!"

"You, Potter, are as stupid and worthless as a piece of slime stuck to the bottom of my shoe! You are a good for nothing loser, who will never be worth my time! So you might as well quite while you can and go running off to your mommy. I hate you, Potter. You are nothing to me!" James flinched as though he'd been slapped. His face fell and he turned to walk away.

"Too late." He whispered, not loud enough for anyone to hear as he pushed his way through the crowd and out the portrait whole.

"Lily, sweetie, that was a _little_ harsh, don't you think?" Lily's best friend Dorcas said as she pressed a hand into Lily's shoulder.

"He deserved it. He tried to take advantage of me while I was drunk!"

"Lily, he's defiantly had more to drink than you, you're only a little tipsy, and he didn't really do anything wrong. All he did was ask you to Hogsmeade, like usual."

"I-I guess. I have been a little rough on him lately."

"Honey, you yell at him if he says 'Hello' to the person next to you."

"Okay, I get it. I'm a complete cow."

"I wouldn't say a _complete_ cow, but yes, a cow none the less."

"Ugh, does this mean I'm going to have to apologize again?"

"Sorry Flower, but yeah, it does."

"Can it wait till the morning? I'm dead tired."

"Sure. Nothing much can happen over night, eh?"

"Good, I'm going to bed."

"I'll be up in a minute or two."

* * *

><p>"Crucio!" James began writhing on the floor. It felt like every nerve in his body was on fire. He wished they would just kill him now, but he wouldn't admit defeat, no, he was a Gryffindor, brave and true till the very end. Which he hoped was soon, he didn't really feel as though he had much to live for anyway. Maybe that's why he found himself in the dungeons, late at night, drunk out of his mind. Maybe his mind subconsciously led him here. Coming down here drunk and wandless was practically committing suicide, but maybe, that's just what he wanted.<p>

Leave to James to stumble across some kind of Deatheater meeting going on in the empty Potions meeting. Too late, James decided busting in yelling about house points, detentions and him being Head Boy wasn't the best idea.

"Crucio!" Another scream ripped itself from James' throat.

"Scream as loud as you want, no one can hear you." There was laughter.

"Crucio!" The pain was excruciating, but then Lily came to his mind. James almost smiled. He deserved this, he was worthless anyway.

"Crucio!" Then his body was slammed against the wall, his head whipping backwards and slamming against the wall. He fell to the floor, lying there in a heap.

"Severus! Try your new spell. He's a wonderful test subject, don't you think?" _Snape, _thought James,_ I always knew he was into the dark arts._

"Do you think it'll kill' em?"

"Who cares?"

"Do it, Severus!"

"Yeah, do it!"

"Fine, fine. I'll do it." There were cheers and laughter in response. James just sat there, motionless and sprawled across the floor.

"Ready? Okay..." Snape cleared his throat. "Sectumsempra!"

James felt immediate pain as a large, gaping wound opened is his chest. Immediately blood began spilling out of the wound.

"Damn it, Severus!"

"We can't clean up that!"

"If someone finds out that we did that, we're dead."

"Come on! Let's get the hell out of here."

James opened his eyes just in time to see several pairs of feet shuffle away. He looked down at the floor to see blood, a lot of blood. The crimson liquid was spreading far out around him, covering the stones beneath him. _I deserve this. I'm worthless and horrible and I deserve pain and I deserve to die. I deserve this._ With these thoughts the world around him began to slowly disappear, becoming nothing but a black whole. His last thought before everything was gone, was how much his blood reminded him of Lily's hair. His Lily._ So bloody Perfect._

* * *

><p><em>AN: Ooooh, cliffhanger! Yeah I know, I'm evil. Anyway, so I expect things are about to get hectic with school starting and such, so I won't be able to update as much as I would like to. Even if I do get the third chapter finished soon, I'm not posting it until I get 7 reviews. Why seven, you ask? Because I like the number 7, it's neglected. Seven's not special, nobody likes seven. Alrighty then, enough awkward rambling. Get on with those reviews, they don't write themselves you know._

_Virtual Hugs&High-fives_

_Lily_


	3. Chapter 3

**_Disclaimer: I don't own it...blah blah blah... I wish I did... blah blah blah._**

Lily woke to a slightly throbbing head. She rolled over slowly and pressed her face into her pillow, cursing Sirius Black. Who in their right mind would administer alcohol to someone like her? Then again she was the one who accepted it. Curse her politeness and her inability to refuse things offered to her! She rolled over again. Today she was going to have to face Potter again. She had to apologise. She had to admit that she had been absolutely awful to Potter the night before. She really hadn't meant half of it, he wasn't worthless and she didn't hate him. She never really had, she just thought she had. Lily had been thinking things through though, ever since their last fight.

_I work just as hard as anyone else around here. I have to._ Those words had been haunting her for the past two months. What did they mean? Lily had thought that, maybe he had to work hard because he belonged to a long line of pureblood families and he didn't want to disgrace them. Later she decided that that wasn't the case. Sirius had always described Potter's family as nothing but kind and giving.

She stood up, gasping as her feet made contact with the cold stone floor and made her way to the bathroom. She turned the water on and splashed her face. She looked like hell. Her hair was matted, her make up smudged and the clothes she had been wearing when she fell into bed the night before were a crinkled mess. Lily sighed and turned on the shower. She bet Potter looked fine this morning when he woke up. He probably woke up looking bloody perfect.

Half an hour later she was sitting in the great hall slowly consuming a bowl of oatmeal and an apple. She was taking a sip of her pumpkin juice when someone gave her shoulder a violent tug and she ended up spilling it down her front. She spun around and came face to face with the one and only Sirius Black.

"Again Black? No one should trust you around liquids. I mean, one more time and you'll..."

"Shut up!" He snarled. His eyes flashing dangerously, he continued. "How could you? He nearly got himself killed because of you!"

"What are you talking about, Black? Who nearly got killed?"

"James, of course. Who else would nearly die for you?"

"Potter? I doubt it was because of me, he probably nearly got himself killed because of his own stupidity."

"You horrid bitch! You-you really have no clue, do you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about Black. Stop being ludicrous and just explain to me what happened."

"James, my best mate, was so distraught after you yelled at him that he went down into the dungeons last night, without his wand, and was attacked by a bunch of Slytherins. They used unforgivables on him, Evans! Slughorn found him this morning with a fucking gash down his front in a pool of his blood. He was just barely alive. Just barely."

"He didn't bring his wand? Then it was his own stupidity that landed him in the hospital wing, wasn't it?"

"You stupid fucking whore! You-you ignorant hag! You think you are so bloody perfect, but guess what, all you are is a stupid bitch. I don't know what James sees in you, because when I look at you all I see is a stupid little school girl who wouldn't be able to see the difference between a truth and a lie if the truth was shoved into your horrid little face. James has a death wish because of you."

"N-no he doesn't." Lily was afraid, usually when Sirius was mad he would yell, like earlier, but now he was speaking in a completely level voice. If looks could kill though, she'd be beyond dead.

"Don't believe me? Maybe you will when he succeeds. When he d-di..." He couldn't say it. His best friend dying was too much, it wasn't even a possibility. He wouldn't let it happen.

"Padfoot, Madam Pomfrey says we can see James now." Remus said as he came up behind Sirius.

Sirius turned and walked away with Remus, without even sparing her a second glance.

"Wait..." But it was too late, they were both gone. Lily's stood there, eyes filled with tears, but they weren't falling.

James Potter did not want to open his eyes. He could hear the nurse bustling about the hospital wing. He knew that she would want to know he was finally awake. There was a blinding pain in his chest telling him that he was alive. Lily would be disappointed. He would have to try harder next time.

A nauseous feeling arose in his stomach as he heard the door of the hospital wing open and the rambunctious voices of his best mates enter. He didn't want to see them, not yet. He didn't want to explain. He just wanted to be alone. He heard the three of them stop at his bedside and begin to whisper.

"I know he's awake, Moony."

"How do you know that, Padfoot?"

"Because he talks in his sleep."

"Maybe Madam Pomfrey gave him a dreamless sleep potion."

"He's awake Moony, I just know it."

"Okay, fine, whatever, don't listen to the smart, logical one."

"I wasn't going to in the first place."

"Merlin, you know-"

"Guys, just shut up already would you? No wonder he's pretending to be asleep." Peter whispered, exasperated.

"What's up your butt, Wormtail?"

"Just-just... Let's get back to James, okay?"

"Fine."

"Mate, we know you're awake." Sirius said shaking James' shoulder. He winced as the violent movement sent a piercing pain into his chest.

"Merlin, Sirius don't hurt him!"

"Sorry. James. Prongs. Just-just open your eyes, talk to us mate. We just want to t-talk to you." He could hear the pain in Sirius' voice. He had caused that pain. He caused everyone pain. Mostly just the people he loved, though. The thought filled him with self hatred. He was so stupid. Stupid for thinking it would be okay to just disappear. Sirius, Remus and even Peter needed him. He couldn't just give up on life, but he could give up on Lily. With that thought he opened his eyes.

It was late that night when Head Girl, Lily Evans, snuck down to the hospital wing to sit by James Potter's bed. She wasn't sure if what Sirius said was true, but none the less, she felt guilty. Did James Potter really have a death wish because of what she said? It couldn't be.

"Lily."

It was just her name and nothing else. She searched for the cause of the noise and found only a very much asleep James Potter.

"Lily."

He muttered her name in his sleep, again. _What was he dreaming of_, she wondered. Obviously her, but what were they doing? Was he dreaming about their fight? Or maybe just of holding her, kissing her? She continued to wonder as she watched him sleep. He looked so harmless and- and sweet. Quite beautiful, even. All of a sudden, his face fell into a worried frown. He then began to whimper and his face contorted in pain. Tears began to fall down his pale face. Lily was worried, she didn't know whether she should wake him up or not. Then, as if nothing happened he was completely fine again.

_James,_ thought Lily,_ What's going on with you?_ She stared at his still form, his face pale, washed in moonlight. A single tear was still trailing down his cheek. She almost reached up to wipe it away, but couldn't quite muster up the courage to touch the beautiful boy's sleeping form. She didn't want to ruin him, he was so bloody perfect.

She stood and left the hospital wing.

"Lily. I'm sorry."

_A/N: Hey, it's me. Thanks a ton for all the review and I'm glad you liked it or loved it or whatever but I was thinking that this time you could use more than three words. What I mean, is that I would really like to know what you think, like your honest opinion of this chapter. Tell me what you liked, tell me what you didn't, tell me what you had for lunch. Just tell me something! Anyway, I will not be posting until my review count is up to 19. Okay? Glad you understand. K, Bye!_

_Virtual Hugs & Highfives_

_Lily_


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: I'm soooo bloody sorry! I know I left you hanging there for a long time but life got busy. I'm really glad though, that I decided to continue this story and I hope you are too. Sooo, don't eat me! And review!_

**_Disclaimer: Obviously if it wasn't mine last chapter, it isn't mine now... duh._**

It was three in the morning when a still very awake Lily Evans wandered down through Hogwarts corridors searching for the hospital wing. She'd been sneaking in to see late every night for the past two weeks since he'd been hurt. Lily desperately wanted to believe that she had nothing to do with what happened to James, but she knew that was a lie. Sirius was right, James wasn't stupid enough, even when drunk, to go down into the dungeons without a wand, unless he wanted to be hurt. This thought left her feeling guilty, which led her down to the hospital wing late at night to sit by James' bedside.

She only went at night. She didn't really want anyone to know that she cared, not even James, and at night the school felt pretty much abandoned. This was because James and she were the only ones aloud out past curfew.

So, of course it shocked her when she heard voices coming out of the hospital wing as she approached the door. She nearly turned and fled, but then she recognized who was speaking. It was Sirius and James. Lily realized that they were probably having a private conversation, because, really, who sits up at three in the morning to make small talk. She was about to turn and leave when she heard something that made her freeze.

"...Lily just doesn't get it, Prongs."

"She never will."

"Sure she will, mate. You've just got to give her time."

"Time to what? Take what's left of my heart and smash it to bits. I can't d-do it anymore, Padfoot."

"Prongs, don't say that."

"I-I just..." Lily heard then a sound that could only be someone sobbing like their heart was broken.

"Prongs, mate, I know. It's gonna be alright, man. Come on..."

"Stop Sirius! You don't get it! You just go from girl to girl, you don't care! You've never felt like this!"

"I know, James, and I'm so sorry that you have to feel this. If there was anything I could do..."

"I know, I know... It's just... She's all I have left, I mean, other than you guys."

"Prongs, you know your mom and dad would never want to see you like this."

"Yeah, I do."

"They'd want you to be happy. To live."

"Yeah."

"So what are you gonna do, mate?"

"Not a fucking clue."

Lily heard a bark like laugh from Sirius She decided that she had intruded enough for tonight and took off down the hall at the fastest pace possible without running.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

James awoke the next morning feeling slightly lighter after he and Sirius' chat the previous night. Not to mention, knowing he was one day closer to being let out of the prison known as the hospital wing. He still hadn't a clue about what he was going to do when he got out but he had a few ideas, and it wasn't like he had to act on them right away. He had time to think.

He could; a) Ask Lily out again.

b) Ignore Lily.

c) Jump off the astronomy tower.

He was leaning towards b.

He knew though, that ignoring the only girl he'd ever truly fallen for was going to be tougher than it seemed from his cramped little hospital bed.

"Mr. Potter, glad to see you're awake." Madam Pomfrey greeted as she whisked from bed to bed.

"Yeah, morning."

"How are you feeling this morning?"

"Oh, ya know." James shrugged.

"Actually, Mr. Potter, contrary to popular belief, I am not telepathic, therefore I cannot read your mind. So, you must tell me how you feel."

"Oh, really." James said, recognizing a prime opportunity to annoy. "Well, ya know Madam Pom-pom, I happen to be a little hungry this morning, but most of all, I miss my ladies... If you know what I mean." He said while suggestively wiggling his eyebrows.

"Mr. Potter, that is highly inappropriate, if you know what _I_ mean." Madam Pomfrey huffed turned to leave, but then stopped turning to look at James and added "If you miss your ladies so much, I'm sure Miss Evans would be willing to join you, seeing as she is here almost every night."

James heart panged painfully and he tried to force a smile on his face but failed miserably. Seeming contented, Madam Pomfrey turned and strutted back into her office.

James let his head fall back onto the pillow. _Lily came to see me, but why?_ He wondered. She hated him. There was no way she didn't, it couldn't be possible. She was probably just worried she's have to do all the head duties by herself. That was it, it had to be. Lily Evans did not care about James Potter.

OOOOOOOOOOO

"_James! Stop it!" Giggled the beautiful red head_ _lying in his arms. He ducked his head and kissed along her jaw and down her neck._

"_Seriously James, stop." _

"_Why should I when you're here looking absolutely gorgeous, tangled in my sheets. You're practically begging to be ravished." Slowly, he slid his hand down her side and placed it on her hip, squeezing slightly. "Look me in the eyes and tell me to stop, Lily." James whispered huskily in her ear causing her to shiver slightly._

"_James." But it was more of a whimper this time._

_He kissed her hard, moulding their lips together. His one hand remained on her hip, while the other slid all over her body, searching for skin that wasn't covered by his Gryffindor red sheets. Her hands became entangled in his hair as the kisses got deeper._

"_I love you." James whispered against her lips._

_ She bit down on his lip, drawing blood._

_ "That's pathetic." She growled as the golden glow that had taken residence in the background slowly darkened. Lily stood and began to gather her clothes from the floor._

_ "I-I thought you loved me too." James whimpered slightly."_

_ "Never." She closed the door behind her with a bang._

_OOOOOOOOOOO_

James woke with a start, covered in a light sheen of sweat, but still in his hospital bed. He began to laugh to himself as he realized that his worst nightmare was true. Lily would never love him. He was pathetic. He could never get a girl that was _so bloody perfect._


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Soooo, were uhh getting closer to the end, eh? I'm thinking just a couple more chapters, but probably not for a couple weeks. I've got exams coming up sooo, yeah? Anyway, my birthdays in two weeks so that's cool. Anyway, on with the story. I hope you enjoy! REVIEW!_

**_Disclaimer: Sooooo, still not mine, yeah._**

"Mister Potter, how are you feeling this morning?"

"Quite well, Poppy." James plastered his most convincing grin on. He wanted out of the hospital wing as soon as possible and if he had to fake it to get out, he bloody well would. He'd become a pretty good actor after all these years anyway.

"Alright then, most of your injuries should be nearly healed by now, so I think I should be able to let you out today."

"Sweet! I'll just..."

"Not quite yet, Mister Potter, after breakfast."

"But..."

"I just have to check a couple of things, fill out a few forms and you'll be free to go. In the mean time, you should eat something."

"Yeah, yeah, alright." James mumbled, not feeling hungry in the slightest. He couldn't really remember the last time he ate actual food since he'd been admitted to the hospital wing. Just the thought of food made his stomach turn unpleasantly.

"Here you go, Mister Potter. I'll come get you when you can leave." Madam Pomfrey handed him a plate of toast and scrambled eggs.

James nearly gagged as the smell of the eggs reached his nose. None the less, he began to shovel the food into his mouth, just to please Madam Pomfrey. If he didn't eat it she'd probably accuse him of having an eating disorder or something then he'd be stuck here for even longer, or worse, shipped off to Saint Mungos.

Madam Pomfrey walked to James' bed just as he washed the last bit of toast down with his glass of pumpkin juice.

"Glad to see you haven't lost your appetite, Mister Potter." James smiled weakly. "Anyhow, you are free to go. Your clothes are in the bathroom, get changed and head straight to class. Got it?"

James nodded eagerly and climbed out of bed quickly running to the bathroom. He threw on his uniform and bolted out of the hospital wing. James' stomach began to turn again as he headed down the corridor. He sprinted to the nearest bathroom and vomited everything he had just eaten into the closest toilet.

His throat stung and his eyes watered. His chest heaved and his side ached. His heart was broken and he was almost sure he was going crazy, but he didn't have a fucking clue what to do. So instead of going straight to class like Madam Pomfrey instructed, James curled up in a ball on the dirty bathroom floor and began to sob uncontrollably into his knees.

OOOOOOOOOO

"Poppy said he'd already left." Sirius, Remus and Peter were wondering the halls looking for the fourth Marauder after classes.

"But he wasn't in class."

"No, really Padfoot? I hadn't noticed."

"Moony, I know it's getting near your time of the month, but there's no need to be such a bitch."

"You know what, Padfoot? I am this close to..."

"Guys, Stop! I don't know if you remember this, but our best mate is missing. Can't you two think of a better time to bicker?"

"Wormtail's right. We should be looking for James."

"Why don't we just check the map?"

"Moony, that's brilliant. Why didn't I think of that?"

"Because I'm the logical one, remember?"

"Right and I'm the devastatingly handsome, bad ass, lady killer."

"Sure, whatever."

"This can't be right."

"What Wormy?"

"The map."

"That's preposterous, the map is never wrong."

"What does it say?"

"It says that James is just down the corridor from the hospital wing, in the bathroom."

"That's ridiculous, that bathroom is disgusting, the heads bathroom is much lovelier."

"Padfoot, obviously he's there for a reason."

"Yeah, and it couldn't wait till he got to the cleaner bathroom?"

"Maybe he's sick." Sirius' face immediately went sheet white at Peter's statement and he began to sprint towards the bathroom James' was supposedly located in.

OOOOOOOO

Sirius pushed open the bathroom door and immediately heard a noise he recognized as his brother. It was quiet but Sirius heard it, a slight whimpering coming from the first stall. He walked over and pushed open he stall door to find a sickly white James curled up on the floor. His eyes were rimmed with red and Sirius could see the dried tear tracks running down his face, even though he was no longer crying. The toilet had still not been flushed leaving evidence of why James was there in the first place.

"Hey mate." Sirius tried tentatively and his voice seemed to break James out of his reverie.

" Eh." He croaked back.

"What's up?"

"Wasn't feeling very well. Didn't make it to class." James voice was monotone and his eyes remained glazed over, staring into the distance.

"Yeah, we know. How about we help you up to your dorm and then you can go to sleep?"

"Yeah."

Sirius grabbed one of James arms and pulled him up to his feet, letting him sway slightly before putting an arm around him for support.

Once they arrived at the door to the Head's dorm Sirius stopped at the portrait, realizing he didn't know the new password. He looked at James who was still staring off into space and decided that he would be no help.

"EVANS!" Sirius yelled while knocking loudly on the portrait. The old man in the portrait woke up and began to yell at him for making such a racket. All of a sudden the portrait was swung open by a very upset and soaking wet headgirl, wearing only a bathrobe.

"What is it, Black? If you hadn't noticed I was in the... What's wrong with Potter?"

"Nothing. At least, nothing that is any of your business." Sirius had already brushed past Lily and was half way to the stair case to the headboy's room.

"I'm headgirl, he's headboy. If there is something wrong with him, is sure as bloody hell is my business. He is my partner."

"He's sick. Stomach bug."

"Shouldn't you take him to the hospital wing?"

"He just got out this morning, I doubt he wants to go back in." Lily watched as Sirius entered James' dorm and then returned alone moments later.

"Well if he's really sick, it shouldn't matter what he wants. It should only matter what's good for him."

"It'd be good for him if you stayed out of his fucking business!" Sirius snapped.

"Don't you use that tone with me, Black! I am headgirl and headgirls deserve respect from all..."

"Shut up, would you! This isn't about you, it's about my best mate, no my brother and the fact that he's laying up there half conscious and I have no fucking idea what's going on with him." All of a sudden Lily was reminded of what she had heard that night at the hospital wing.

"You don't?" She whispered.

"No." Sirius choked and Lily saw one, single tear start to fall down his handsome face. She'd never seen a Marauder cry before, things must be worse with James than she thought.

"Merlin, I'm sorry Sirius."Lily sank down onto the Gryffindor red couch.

"You should be, it's all your fault." Sirius remarked, lacking his usual malice that came with words like these, as he sat down beside her.

"It's worse than you thought, eh?"

"Worse than I imagined in my worst scenarios."

"What are you going to do next?"

"Be his best mate, other than that, not a fucking clue."

Lily thought to herself later that night, after Sirius had fallen asleep on her couch, that maybe, James Potter was not even close to _so bloody perfect._


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: I'm so sorry this took so long and I'm sorry that it's not good. This was a really hard chapter to write. I just really want to give you guys a conclusion, not that this is the last chapter, because it isn't. Anyway, please review._

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Jk's work.**  
><em>

James awoke the next morning with an ache, an ache everywhere. He rolled over and pushed his face into the pillow beneath him, holding his breath. He wished he could just stop breathing for good. That would be _so bloody perfect._ When did it come to this, lying in bed wishing his life away? Why did things have to be so difficult? Why did he love Lily Evans?

It wasn't her fault, though. If he had just been a better person, maybe things could have been better. He just wasn't good enough, good enough for anyone. He would always be last resort; James could only wish he was second best.

"Mate, wake up, we've got classes!" Sirius yelled though the door.

"Padfoot, I'm still not feeling to well. I think I caught something."

"James, I know you're lying."

Silence.

"Mate, come on. James."

Sirius pushed open James bedroom door and silently crept to the side of James bed.

"Hey, Prongs come on. We've got History of Magic; we can goof off all class. Or you can sleep there; at least you'll get attendance if you sleep there." Sirius chuckled weakly at his attempted joke.

"Come on, James. Get up; you can't spend your life in bed."

Still Nothing.

"James, fuck, just-just get up!"

Sirius reached over and grabbed James by the arm, rolling him over. James closed his eyes against the light and grunted from the slight ache that had settled in every muscle, bone and tendon since the previous day.

"James, please." Sirius whispered becoming desperate.

" Fine." James opened his eyes and sat up, reaching blindly for his glasses. He heard a sigh of relief came from his best mate.

"Alright, well, I'll meet you in your common room."

James hummed in agreement and began to pull things out to get ready for class.

Ten minutes later, James strutted into the common room. His eyes were greeted with one of the last things he wanted to see: Lily Evans. She was standing talking to Sirius, calmly, almost as if they were friends. He stepped back into the stair well and attempted to listen to their conversation.

"He's off; still it was better than nothing."

"I hope he's okay."

"He's not, Evans, you know he's not."

"How am I supposed to know, you won't tell me anything and he hasn't spoken to me in two bloody months."

"You know bloody well why he won't fucking talk to you, Evans."

"No, I don't. Sure, we fought a couple days ago but it… it wasn't anything out of the normal."

"I know, but I think maybe he's… never mind. Where is he? He should have been here by now."

"Black, tell me."

"It's none of your business, understand?" His voice got harsh and cold. Lily nodded and turned to leave the room.

She didn't understand though. What was wrong with Potter and why was no one telling her? Lily knew that Sirius blames her for the dungeon incident but what about what happened yesterday? After she and Sirius had spoken, Sirius sat in the Head's common room for almost the entire night, just staring into the fire. What could be wrong with Potter? If he was sick, someone would tell her, especially because she was Head Girl and he was her partner. So what could possibly be wrong?

OOOOOOOOO

Sirius and James were ten minutes late to History of Magic, not that Binns noticed much. Sirius pushed James into a seat beside him and shot a look at Remus. Remus pulled a piece of parchment from his bag and nodded towards it. Sirius did the same and watched as Remus began to write, the script slowly began to appear on the parchment in front of Sirius.

_So, is he alright?_

_**Not said barely a word all morning, he has.**_

_Think it's going to happen again?_

_**Not sure.**_

_Sirius._

_**Probably. Tell Pete to keep an eye on him in muggle studies.**_

_Why then?_

_**I've just got a bad feeling.**_

_It's going to be alright, mate._

_**I know.**_

James bumped Sirius elbow.

"What do you got there?"

"It's nothing, Prongs."

"Right."

"What's that mean?"

"I'm not a baby, Sirius; you don't need to have people_ watch_ me."

"You were reading over my shoulder!"

"I just wanted to know… I just wanted- I-"

The bell cut James off and he pushed his way through the crowd and into the hall way. He walked quickly, knocking people out of his way, trying to get somewhere, anywhere. Out, he needed out.

"Potter! Wait, I just need you to sign-"

James heard Lily's voice and began to push through the crown even harder, trying to catch his breath. James began to run, the walls spinning around him. He ran and ran and ran. He ran until everything was gone and all he could see was black and all he could feel was a cool breeze as he fell.

OOOOOOOOO

"What do you mean, he wasn't in muggle studies?"

"I- I mean he wasn't in muggle studies."

"He just wasn't there?"

"Basically."

"Wormtail, do you have any idea what this could mean?"

"It means we need to find Remus."

"Actually, it means we need to… Wait, why would we need to find Remus?"

"Remus has the map."

"Right, right. Then, I guess that for once in your life Wormy, you had the correct answer." Sirius patted Peter on the head and then swept off towards the Arithamency room.

OOOOOOOOO

"What do you mean, he wasn't in muggle studies?"

"Just that, Moony. Now we need to find him, quickly.

"Merlin, he could be anywhere!"

"The map, Moony." Peter piped in.

"The map…" Remus pulled the map from his robes and searched for his mate's name.

"He's by the black lake."

Sirius sighed in relief and the three Marauders sped off towards the lake.

OOOOOOOOO

James opened his eyes and saw blue. Bright blue, like the sky, but why would he be outside? Then it hit him with the force of a particularly well cast expelliarmis. Sirius and Lily talking about him. Sirius and Remus talking about him. Lily yelling at him. The running, the spinning, the falling. James closed his eyes and willed away the visions of Lily's face and the nausea.

"Prongs, there you are!" Remus yelled as he got closer to James. He sat up and looked around causing the world around him to spin violently and his body to crash back to the ground.

"James! James are you alright?"

James pulled his limbs towards his body and curled into himself, trying to stop himself from falling apart again. He felt his friend hands touching him, rubbing his shoulders, their voices swarming him. He wanted them to stop he wanted in all to stop.

James pulled himself up and shoved everyone away from him. Distantly he heard someone screaming. Maybe it was him. He tried to push his legs to make him move again like before but he couldn't run, he just couldn't do it. He pushed himself two, three more steps before everything spun again and the nausea came back full force, knocking the wind out of him as he heaved into the grass. The world was still spinning when he fell to his knees. Everything hurt, there was too much noise, and he just wanted it all to stop.

Then it did. Everything just stopped, completely. All he could hear was the sound of someone screaming.

The rest of the Marauders stood by and watched as their friend collapsed to the ground, there was nothing they could do.

"So _bloody _perfect." Sirius whispered.


	7. Chapter 7

**_A/N: Hey guys... Awkward... I'm really sorry about not finishing this story yet and making you wait for me to do so. It's just, you see, this story isn't really my top priority right now and I actually haven't been writing much fanfic lately. However, I would hate to be one of those people that leaves an unfinished story sitting around so I will finish it, I promise you 100%. I love you guys so much, I'm so sorry._**

**_Disclaimer: Still isn't mine._**

Remus knocked tentatively on portrait covering the passage to the heads dorms, hoping he wasn't disturbing Lily at an inopportune time.

"Yes?" The red head squeaked as the portrait swung open. "Oh, it's you Remus. I thought it might be Sirius again. Have you heard anything on James yet?"

"No, nothing as of yet. I just thought I'd pop over for a chat. We haven't been talking as much as we used to. I was thinking maybe we could catch up a bit, if you're not busy?"

"Oh, of course come in Remus."

Once they were settled in the couch in front of the fire Lily began to talk.

"Sirius isn't taking it very well, is he?"

Remus laughed.

"Not really, Lily. His best friend got shipped off to St. Mungos a week ago and we still haven't heard a thing about it. It's crazy; I never thought anything like this would happen to James… If anyone, I thought it'd be myself getting shipped off to St. Mungos."

"Remus, you're not crazy."

"I know; I just have a condition. Sometimes I think it'll drive me crazy though. At least James wouldn't be lonely."

"What?"

"If I were there with him, he wouldn't get lonely."

The two sat in silence for a while. The fire was slowly burning out but no one got up to replace the log. The room slowly got darker as Lily fought with herself; she wanted to ask Remus but what if it came out wrong? What if he thought she was crazy or self-obsessed? Or what if she was right?

"It's my fault isn't it, Remus? They all say it is, especially Sirius. Even you said it was when it happened."

"No, Lily, don't think that. We were all in shock and Sirius is just upset."

"Remus, you don't have to pretend. I know I did it. I drove him mad. I'm a horrid person."

"No you're not Lily. You made a mistake, we all do it sometimes."

"I made bazillion mistakes Remus. One time is excusable, but what I did…There's no excuse for that."

"Lily, you want me to be honest then?" She nodded her head, looking him in the eye.

"What you did to James, it was wrong. It was mean and purposeless and hurtful. You were a right bitch to him for years and he loved you. He super proper loved you. Did you know that? No, you didn't. Is that an excuse? No it's not, but my best mate is lying in a hospital right now I don't know why or what's going on. What I do know is that you can't change what happened between you two. Not with apologies and not by blaming yourself. Maybe it's partly your fault Lily, but if it is then it is. There's nothing to do about it now."

"Remus, I'm so sorry."

"It's fine Lily. It really is."

"But James-"

"James will be fine; he's stronger than we think Lils." Remus' arms wrapped around Lily as they sat in front of the dying fire. Her tears soaked into her collar and dried and Remus blinked away his.

"You know, Remus, I think we may all belong in St. Mungos." Lily whispered with a smile. Remus' chuckle echoes off the castle walls.

Sirius sat in the Great Hall picking at a piece of toast. The Great hall felt quiet; everything felt quiet without James. Everything except his head; his head had been chalk full of things since they had taken James away. Thoughts about what was happening to him, where he was, if he was okay. Sirius needed to know. This was his family; he didn't know what he would do without James. Didn't know if he could live without going mad as well.

He wanted to blame Lily, he really did. He knew it wasn't just her fault, she didn't know what she was doing. What she was getting herself into with James. She didn't know how broken he was. Then again, James hadn't always been broken. If Sirius wanted to, he could remember, picture even, his best mate completely fine; happy. It felt so long ago now, even if it had only been a year and a half.

The summer before their sixth year, James and Sirius had snuck out to a party; a muggle party at that. They just wanted to meet girls, to be honest. And possibly smoke without getting the eyes from James' parents. They had always disapproved of the Marauder's habits, but they loved both James and Sirius just as much as they would have without them. Sirius had forgotten something at the house; some muggle drug called "pot" or "weed". He wasn't sure but they had been promised a good time. James volunteered to go back and get it, him being the one that had really wanted to use it. He had spent the past school year pretty messed up over Lily. He told everyone he was over her, just wanted to forget and have a good time during the summer. Sirius was all for it.

James had taken the invisibility cloak and snuck back to the house around 11pm. At around three in the morning Sirius realised that James had never returned. Worried for his mate, he set back to the house, hoping all was okay and that James had just found a girl and already snuck her into his room. Hoping to find James asleep beside some stranger; or even asleep alone. Safe at home, in bed.

However, his hopes were dashed when he saw the smoky dark mark hanging above Potter Manor. As he approached the house, it looked untouched. If not for the dark mark above the roof, it would have been peaceful. The door was left open and upon entering the house he smelt burning. There was smoke floating from the library. Sirius pulled out his wand, preparing to fight if he had to.

The doors to the Library were wide open as well, revealing piles of rubble and scorched books. Something else caught Sirius' eye as he scanned the room. James' parents' bodies lay in the middle of the room, clothes scorched, eyes open and this look on their faces that made Sirius feel absolutely sick to his stomach. James was nowhere to be seen though, Sirius wondered if he had been captured or maybe seen this and bolted.

He had stepped closer as felt his arm brush against something solid. He turned, prepared to fight, but found nothing there. Reaching out, Sirius felt the light fabric of the invisibility cloak and pulled. James stood there, completely frozen to the spot. He had been jinxed there, probably an immobulus. He performed the counter curse and James immediately fell to the ground heaving into the ash at his feet.

James had arrived right in the middle of a death eater attack. They found him, froze him and left him there to watch as his parents were violently tortured and killed. James had never been the same. He had pretended, but he had never really been okay again.

Sirius was shaken out of his thoughts by a hand on his should. He turned around to see McGonagall looking down at him.

"Mr. Black, would you mind coming with me?"

"Sure thing Minny, but just so you know, whatever it was, I didn't do it."

"I'll remember that for future reference Mr. Black. Now if you will please follow me, we have received some news and I am sure you would like to be one of the first to hear it."

"What?"

"It's about Mr. Potter."


	8. Chapter 8

**_A/N: Oh ma gosh, another chapter? Already? Yes. Please comment. I love you._**

**_Disclaimer: I STILL DO NOT OWN JK ROWLING'S WORK, BUT I DO ADMIRE HER WORK GREATLY._**

Lily awoke to a banging on her bedroom door.

"Piss off, Potter!" She grunted through her pillow case. The banging didn't stop and soon she was wide awake and aware of the words that had left her mouth.

It couldn't be James, he wasn't at the school. He had been gone for nearly two weeks. Lily had spent those two weeks being driven crazy by the questions that riddled her mind. What was wrong? What had happened? Was he going to be okay? The last one had hit her the hardest. Lily didn't know how long she could last without Potter in her life. She relied on him to be the ice to her fire, the fast to her slow, the dark to her light.

She was beginning to wonder if Lily Evans could be Lily Evans without James Potter.

Lily was once again awakened from her reverie by the banging on her door. Slipping on her dressing gown, she tentatively opened the door.

"Finally." Slurred a slightly intoxicated Sirius Black; Lily wondered why he'd been drinking…and also how exactly he got into the Heads dorms. Hadn't she changed the password after last time? Never mind.

"What do you want Black?"

"I know something that you…you don't."

"Really Black and what is that? What Angela Snide looks like naked?"

"No, well, I mean, yes that too, but something else."

"Just spit it out."

"Fuck you, Evans. I don't have to tell you shit."

"Then what are you doing here Black? Just making a drunken ass of yourself?"

"I'm not even drunk Evans, just tipsy, just celebrating."

"Celebrating what?"

"You ask a lot of questions."

"Just tell me you sniveling little-"

"Whoa, calm down super ginge, your head might actually catch on fire."

"Oh, shush." Lily chuckled. Sirius hadn't treated her like this since the beginning of the year; before everything had happened. So much had happened. She looked up to see Sirius smiling down at her, tears twinkling in his eyes, not falling yet.

"I miss this, Lils. I miss him and you and the parties and the endless arguments and the pranks. Why did this have to happen to him?"

"I'm not sure, but I miss him too."

"I know; I can see it in your eyes."

"Huh." Both of them had settled against the back of the couch.

"He's coming back you know."

"Who?"

"James."

"Oh, of course. When?"

"Monday."

"The one coming up?"

"Yup."

"Did they tell you what happened?"

"PTSD."

"Yeah? Wasn't expecting that."

"Me neither, should have though."

"What kind of mates are we?"

"Oi! I'm his mate! You're just his… girl thing. He just fancied you!"

"He did not! We were mates Sirius, proper mates."

"If you were mates, you weren't proper ones. I've never seen two friends go at each other like that. You two could go on for hours!"

"Sirius, you're making it sound dirty!"

"You two might as well have been shagging for all it's worth." Sirius felt Lily smack his arm.

"I didn't mean exactly that!"

"Yeah, you did."

"Yeah, I did."

"You were right though, he didn't fancy you."

"Hm?"

"No, he loved you."

"Huh."

"What?"

"Remus, he, uh, he said the same thing to me just the other night."

"You believe anyone yet?"

"I think, maybe I do."

"You love him?"

"No, but I uh…"

"You what?"

"I think I could. Love him, I mean. I think I could love him."

"Don't you think it's a little late for that now?"

"Oh, of course; but isn't that just life? You listen to people telling you one thing for years and by the time you realize they were right, it's too late."

"I hope you're wrong."

"Why?"

"Me and Remus, we bet on Prongs and you. If you get together he'll owe me fifty galleons."

"Sirius, you are such a pig."

Sirius stood up dusting off his trousers.

"I've got to go Lils, gotta get some sleep. Got classes in the morning, ya know."

"Black, what time is it?"

"About four in the morning." He smiled, checking his watch as he closed the portrait behind him and slipped into the hall.

"Sirius Black, you absolute wanker! You…you horrid-"

For the first time in many nights Sirius smiled as he strutted down the hall.

* * *

><p>By the time Sirius made it back to his room Peter was already asleep and Remus sitting by himself on the floor staring at a pile of dirty laundry.<p>

"What are you doing, Moony?"

"I'm not sure."

"Where's Mary Murphy? Last I saw you were groping her in the middle of the pub."

"She left me."

"Why? You get all broody and tell her you were dangerous? Or did you get a little rough and bite her too hard? You and I both know that those wolf instincts come out when-"

"I started crying."

"Not you too, man. If we have to ship you off to St. Mungos to, I swear…"

"It's not funny, Sirius."

"I know it's not."

"PTSD, mate. How did none of us see it? We all know what happened."

"I think we all just wanted him to be okay."

"And then Lily… She just…"

"Yes she did."

Remus stood up and shuffled over to his bed. He pulled himself under the covers and pretended to sleep. He couldn't believe that they had let this happen to James.

* * *

><p>On the other side of the castle Lily lay wide awake. She kept thinking about James. Did she really mean it when she said she could fall in love with him? Yes. Did it have to be too late? Could she fix this? If anything, could they be friends again?<p>

Struck by a thought, Lily sprung out of bed, gathered her quill. Ink and parchment and began to write.

_Dear __James __Potter, _

_ I have recently heard that you will be returning to Hogwarts shortly and, probably to your surprise, I am quite happy to hear this. You have no idea what it was like to watch you fall like that, literally and figuratively. I only now realize the full affect that life has had on you and that I have had on your life. I want to apologize for that. It is not that I do not want to affect your life; I only wish it could have been in a good way._

_ You mean much more to me than I had realized and, to be honest, I'm not sure who I would be without you. You force me to be a better person. You are so much more than I gave you credit for. If I could rake back all of the bad things I have said about you, I would. However, I cannot, but I hope you will accept my apology instead._

_ There is something I wish you to know. Even though I constantly say you are a pig-headed smarmy git, I think you are exceedingly attractive. Your personality shines constantly and everybody loves you. Sometimes I find myself getting a little jealous. I used to fancy thinking that life would be perfect if I were you. I thought being you must be so bloody perfect. There are a couple problems with that though._

_ First of all, your life is not a perfect as I thought._

_ Second of all, if I were to become you, I could not be with you._

_ Potter, I can't believe it myself, but I think I fancy you. _

Lily swept the parchment into her hand and crumpled it into a ball. Tossing it under her bed, she began to sob.


End file.
